Accept with an open heart

Accept him for what he is... and not what I want him to be. Take him as he is... and not expect him to be someone else. Find peace with that. Be thankful that he is is in my life. Focus on all the good things I like about him.

for the first time

for the first time, in our 4 years of knowing each other, we had a fight. a fight is not the right word i think. it's more me getting upset with him, and i showed it openly to him. and he knew it, and said it that i was upset. i thought he would be insensitive to it, but he wasn't. it was about expectations - mine not meeting up with his. and he knew that too, but of course he wouldn't give it. i am not sure how it's gonna go from here. we sort of made up after that, but he knew that i was still upset. and tried to be nice. i tried to be normal too, but i think it still showed. he has gone back today, to his other life. and i am here with my life. what is next? i am not sure.

What is this lump in the chest

I am feeling it again - that lump in the chest that comes with the sadness. Most of the time I don't even know why I feel that way. Wait, I do know, but the rational side of me can't even justify why I should be feeling that way. This time it is because I feel that I am ignored by Dzan. Ignored is too strong a word - it should be he is not paying as much attention as I would like him to. And this is despite knowing that I am sharing him with someone else. And that he already mentioned that he can only give this much, and if I feel that it is not enough then I would have to look elsewhere. And he has a baby to boot. Am I being my Cancerian self? Again? I know I need to get this out from the system. And I know I need to look at the positives - that he loves me. That he wants to be with me. That I mean something to him. Why can't my heart just follow my head?

thoughts before a prayer

I am waiting to perform my early evening prayer. As a Muslim, I try to perform 5 prayers a day as the religion requests. Many times I fail, but I try as much as I can to do so. I like the feeling that the prayers give - calmness and collectedness, usually a break from the hectic schedules, or the frazzled state of mind that I get into oftentimes. Today especially, I feel very much in need of these breaks. I am feeling out of balance, my melancholy mood prevails. I need to recapture my heart. I need a dose of calm, of happiness even. I need to get F out of my head. I need to let him be him, and not to depend on him, and his every single action to dictate my mood. Ya Allah, grant me the strength to be less reliant on others to make me happy. Grant me the self-confidence to find happiness on my own. Grant me happiness.

at it again

I have no tbeen posting for a while now, and I think my life has been pretty stable, happy even. I actually met somebody that I really like, and if I were to tell the truth, I probably even love him. It is not the best of circumstances - he lives in a different city, separated by a huge body of water, he works off-shore, and he is married. We started with an online relationship, and the first time we met in person was the night before his wedding. Yes, I always have a way to make my relationships complicated. He made me happy though. He is a simple person, he cares about me, he is honest, and he is funny. It has been more than three years, and one baby. And somehow we have managed to meet up every month or so. It has worked, maybe not perfect, but who has a perfect relationship anyway. Somehow tonight I am missing him, a lot. I think it's because he has been away for nearly three weeks, and with the baby in his life, his focus is very much on the baby. And I am feeling a bit left out. I kept telling myself that I won't come to this point, but here I am. I knew what I was getting into, but i chose to continue. How do I heal my heart?